henri_matisse

you can't say i'm not trying. i am.
i hate nerves.

maybe we were born to run, run from the things we really want.

bruce springsteen is a good friend who understands. i bet he never had this kind of difficulty.

moved into the new house this week. named the house tenenbaum. we live on royal. hence...

The Royal Tenenbaum!

new house means safe living, but it also means that the nervous heartrate is going to increase (and did about 2 hours ago) and stay that way all term...

this should be interesting.

I just started reading this book by Donald Miller "Through Painted Deserts".  It's all about these two guys who travel in a volkswagen camper van for 3 months across america, and the importance of 'the journey'.  I'm only one chapter in, and I'm already scared out of my mind because I'm in love with the book and I'm afraid it's going to stir up feelings and emotions that can't be quenched while I'm stuck in class next term.  It's a good fear, frustrating as it may be, but it's a very good fear.

the first chapter and introduction was about leaving, and the idea that we're not supposed to just stay where we are/where we grew up.  We're supposed to leave our homes, and experience the world as it is, and experience the beauty of the world.  It's true.  There's this destructive nature to what's comfortable and known, like home, because it doesn't allow us to change or grow.

This has rung so true for me tonight, as I've spent time catching up with old friends.  With the exception of one of these friends, I'm tired of it all, because everytime I'm with them we rehash the same old pains and miseries, and they, unknowingly, bring me with them.  I see them having to live with the consequences of their decisions, while trying to make me make the same ones.  Apart from me, only one seems like he wants out of the cycle.  But even then, he seems to be reaching with one hand towards possibility and experience, and keeping his other hand warm in the safety of his pocket.  I hope this doesn't come across as condescending, because it's not meant to be that.  It's just that I'm feeling more than ever that different impulses are pushing us in directions.

"...I'm older than I wish to be, this town holds no more for me..."

I have no idea what the future holds for me.  I have hopes and fears and dreams and educated guesses.  All I can really say is that I'm getting more and more ready to leave this town behind.  This isn't me ditching my friends.  I'll never do that.  But it's me reading what's being written below the surface, feeling the nudge they've given, and heading for the open road.

i went to a girl's house tonight to tell her I liked her. It's the first girl I've genuinely liked in years. it didn't go as I hoped, and I didn't end up telling her. And yet, I'm not upset. If anything I've spent the entire night laughing... this is so ridiculous.

i listened to John Wayne Gacy Jr. by sufjan stevens last night.

then i woke up in the middle of the night because i was dreaming about a serial killer trying to kill me.

then i got bummed out because now i'm afraid to hitchhike in the states, and i like hitchhiking.

now i'll never be able to hitchhike from saginaw with Kathy for 4 days.

instead i'll take greyhounds from pittsburg and count the cars on the new jersey turnpike.

Damnation to bad marks. You steal my scholarships. Damnation I say, DAMNATION!

I saw the Interpreter on Saturday. Then I saw Hotel Rwanda on Sunday.
Both were excellent films, for different reasons. And I'm glad I saw them in that order because i needed to be eased into Hotel Rwanda. Films like these remind me that I really don't think I'm going to be living in Canada when I'm done school. At this point, I would have absolutely no problem moving to Africa and living/working there for good. I've always had some desire to go to Africa, since I was very young, and these just reminded me why.
That being said, I won't be doing that for a long long time, as I'm going to be in school til the age of 102. Yes 102. That's because there's so much I want to learn. After English and Religious Studies is done, I'm thinking I'd like to do Linguistics and learn as many different languages as possible. Not so I can be an interpreter (har har) but so that I go all over the place and be able to communicate with people with ease. Although Interpreting would be pretty cool too.

I think I want to go to the United Nations this summer. Anybody up for a weekend roadtrip to NY?

Do you ever have those days when you find something out, and all you can do is shake your head in disbelief, and yet smile at the same time as if you expected it all along?

today has been one of those days.

one of the discoveries had to do with where I stand on the IV leadership team next year. The area I've been asked to work in is one that I said I really did not want to because I thought it was a weakness of mine. So I smile and shake my head, and think that divine plans make more sense then mine. I guess you can say I've acquiesced (sorta), and it's good.

the second one... my suspicion that a large portion of my friends back home don't want anything to do with me was pretty much confirmed today. There's a going away party for some people I used to hang out with, and I was left of the invite list. Understandably so, as things have been messed since last May 24. The girls pretty much will have nothing to do with me, although I'm still pretty good with 'da boys'. These things just happen though. People grow apart and I completely understand that, but there's always going to be this pesky shadow over the whole scene. I hate how people can pick sides and hold grudges so easily, especially when they're not even involved in the problem... sheesh

2 Exams of 4 finished
2 Novels of 5 finished

I'm writing one page letters about why I'm eligable for different community contribution awards at school. It's a whole lot harder than it sounds.

I have an exam saturday.

I have a job interview monday at the skydome hotel (screw you rogers centre)! and then the next day I have my driver's exam. and then right after that, i'm coming right back to hamilton to study my arse off for my final exam.

I can't wait for the work to be finished, so that I can start doing some creative writing and leisure reading in my free time... and start carving the soapstone I got for my birthday.

I saw a picture of her yesterday, saw it again today, and in my mind I thought "wow am I glad that's over." I'm not trying to be mean, but sometimes i'm just curious as to what attracted me to her.

I'm going to get back to those letters now.

some people are just so hard to crack, that you wonder whether it's worth the effort. I don't really know anymore. It's just been a long long time since I've had someone to really 'connect' with. you know, the kind of conversations that last til 5am but still seem short? I can't even get a conversation these days.


I think i'm going to stay in hamilton this summer, hopefully commute to toronto for work. I really have no desire to go home and work the same factory job i've worked for the past 2 summers.

watch this even if you've seen it already

I'm by no means a Catholic, but i have to give credit where credit is due. The pope was a very good man, and although I didn't agree with him on everything, he did more for the Catholic Church, and the worldwide community than other pope's before him. It's a shame people see the Catholic Church only for its scandals, and not for all the good that's been done over the past two decades.

We received the reward of having a good pope, now he finally gets his reward.

2005 is the year of social conscience.  of mine, and of yours.

Feed The Bus

Make Poverty History

Standing idle just isn't satisfying anymore.

Michael Schiavo disgusts me. Going on only a hunch, he decides his wife should die. And she's more than likely going to. Thank you for letting disabled people worldwide believe that their life is less valuable and not worth living Mike.

I haven't been in my apartment, nor on my computer for the past week or so... the heat's been out here, so i opted to live on a friend's couch instead of freezing to death here. Plus any free time I had was spent on essays and Feed the Bus, which by the way, was an incredible success! I put the last donations on today, and the bus is full!

I haven't been posting much lately. just haven't felt the urge to. there's lots going on with me, but i don't know... just haven't been into livejournal lately. I always post something that's a bit of an inside joke or story, but then realize afterwards that its so inside that nobody gets it. and then i ask myself again and again, what is the point?

what do you do when a woman who calls herself the world whispers in your ear 'what's the point?'

I've been making up a ton of songs on my guitar these past few weeks. When the False Heroics guys start recording demos I think i'm going to steal some recording time with their equipment.

Interpol is Joy Division jr. and there's nothing wrong with that, because they are both great.

If you live in the Hamilton area, then READ THIS:
March 14-18, Feed the Bus at McMaster! We're filling a bus full of food donations for local food banks. Come on out and help a worthwhile cause, I'm going to be there all week

...no one ever plans to sleep out in the gutter, sometimes that's just the most comfortable place...

So I've had this idea for a while now, and I thought I should put it up here. The apartment building I'm in has about 6 or 7 units in it, and some of them are empty. And my landlord is always asking me whether I know people who would want to rent out the other units. And then I thought wouldn't it be pretty cool to have a dorm of sorts off campus, with other people you knew? Then you wouldn't have sketchy neighbours, and you could actually hang out with your neighbours, and have awesome apartment wide parties.

If only people weren't so attached to living in Westdale...

Man, i'm toast from 2 days of really hard work, so today has been slacking day. I've only done 300 of te 2000 words I was supposed to do today for my essay, and I haven't touched the oter book I'm supposed to read. Tomorrow (hopefully) I'll get on that stuff. here are some random things now:

- the pope had a tracheotomy
- the ladykillers is a better movie that the whole ten yards
- bright eyes is good. very good. very very good.
- dave tends to go a bit crazy when he's left alone in an apartment for a week.
- dave needs more fresh air
- dave has too much work to do to even think about fresh air
- the worldwide anglican church finally did something right
- currently looking for a summer job, and not sure whether i want to go home or stay in hamilton
- he is very very very good
- it's harder than i thought to invest in the stock market

I'm locking myself in my apartment for most of this week to get a ton of reading and writing done. my aim is to get atleast one 2000 word paper done, one 500 word paper done, and finish reading 3 books. i'm not going to see the light of day for a long long time.

I've been listening to this song on repeat for a while now. I think it's my favourite one on the album.
another song i've had stuck in my head is Lover I Don't Have To Love by Bright Eyes. Why am I compelled to listen to these songs more than others right now, I just don't know. maybe it's due to the greatness factor.

Well, I'm at home in Brantford right now for the night (then back to the hammer tomorrow), and since my mindset is set around being productive this week, and there's no work to do here, I'm going to start a painting tonight. I haven't painted in a while, but i'm going to now! just have to think of what to paint now......